I had been considering the idea of reclaiming the wild body. Connecting to my earlier work of finding the path back to oneself on physical + level. I thought on birth, pregnancy, hormones and time - the space of my pregnancy when I was totally embodied, perhaps the most in my life - and felt as if I was connected to something so much greater than myself - the new life, the ancestors…
I looked at my kitchen dance. What music moved me and why? Most times related to circumstances of day. What did I quantify as a ‘successful’ dance? How did I ‘feel’ at the end?
All the sudden the penny dropped, all the time I was trying to ‘get moving’ and really the place, my place was calling me to stillness because I needed stillness. How to begin? I found numerous resources online for free guided meditation and ended up doing TWO HOURS of mindfulness! I didn’t fall asleep - not once. It was blissful - something like lying on a beach taking in the sun, all that breath and awareness. In the past I would have done those things in the course of my day when my practice suited me - but now I see that has been missed GREATLY. I will try to do at least the 5 minute one everyday.
Something about the breath - the release. I have come to realize the weight I am carrying. It’s as if Jasper is clinging to me in the front and I am holding him, but then I am nearly crushed by the weight of his father who (metaphorically) sits on my back. I assume (I hope) as Jasper gets older and more secure, both weights will lift, for now they are omnipresent. In my mindfulness one of the meditations asked me to find a place on my body where I felt good and I immediately went to my belly - ha ha! Of course it would be the centre for food. That does bring me great pleasure.
Thinking on this meditation, stillness, breath, inspiration and the fact that I didn’t need TO DO anything which is just the opposite of Motherhood when one has TO DO everything. And moreso for Present parents who have no one sharing roles. Or in Mrs. Beeton’s time many many many servants. (either would suffice to be honest)Thinking of the need to reclaim the woman - the sensual, feeling body- elemental beyond function - how does it FEEL. (not the worker)
Oh and I decided I need to book a holiday. Somehow.